December 31st, 2009 (02:43 am)
current mood: depressed
December 31st, 2007
Goodnight you guys. I love every single one of you. I just don't know how much longer I can take feeling like this. I have to dream that dream every single night I go to bed and then wake up with tears in my eyes, because I'm literally petrified that this "curse" or whatever the hell has happened to me won't disappear.
I'll be fine though. I don't want any of you worrying about me. If I decide to do something drastic or out of proportion, I'm sure I'll post some kind of suicide letter or something. I could never just fade away off the face of the Earth and not tell anyone. I mean, I care about you guys. That would be incrediably selfish of me, right? It would also be very selfish of me to kill myself, or would it? I have to start living (or dying?) for myself and not for other people. I'm sick of being lied to, backstabbed, ignored, and forgotten by everyone. I've lost so many people that use to be my friends during the last six months. It hurts. Plus, my mom just got out of the hospital not too long ago. They couldn't figure out what was wrong with her, and she says she still doesn't feel the greatest. I've never gotten along with my dad....ever. Point being, if something happens to mom I have nowhere to go.
I am literally in a pool of tears right now. I don't even know the exact reason why I'm crying. I mean, what I'm trying to say is there are SO many reasons that I can't just pinpoint one. All the things are so bundled up inside of me. I just want to scream to the top of my lungs. Everything's so blurry right now. Where the hell am I going? What the hell am I doing? I've caused a certain two people in my life so much pain. I've caused my mom a lot of pain too, by being just like this. I was probably the reason she was in the hospital to be in the first place. I pushed her off the edge of her tiny little cliff she has been standing on for awhile. Point being? I probably don't deserve to be here. I'd die for any of my friends, or my family. They're suffering because of me! I'm such a terrible person. And when I finally have something, I take it for granted.
People always say that life gets better when you've been what I've been through lately, but I feel like I'm so deep in so much shit that it can't possibly get any better or that my life is going to be like this forever. Every single day, my chest throbs. It literaly HURTS. Like my heart is being torn apart or something. Most of the time I hold back crying, but other times I can't. I usually cry while in the shower. I use to cry whenever I went to bed until Sidney started talking to me everynight. Thats helped a lot, and he's probably one of the reasons I havn't went completely insane-nutzo yet. Along with Cade (my cat) who happens to be sitting on my lap right now. He pretty much makes it so I don't feel lonely. I wish people were as loyal as animals.
During the last month, I've also figured out that I'm a masochist. I'm not a creep though, I swear. Nor to I like other people hurting me, I just like hurting myself. Slashing my thighs is something I've done to get over what I've been going through. I use to hate people that do this, and I still do. So another negative trait of mine? I'm a hypocrite. I've also abused prescription drugs and yet I call myself "straight-edge". I'm also a drug, or that's what Toby calls me. I'm pretty much here for you to feed off me, and I can treat other people the same way subconciously.
And I just feel like I could never be independant. I want to be independant so bad, but I feel like I depend on so many people. See? I've lost almost everyone and I'm literally going crazy. So therefore, I depended on them for my own happiness, but there not here so I can't be happy!
If you read this, my ramble, my bullshit, this whole entire thing...I'd like to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Knowing that you cared enough just to read this touches me in so many ways that you can't recognize. I just need a lot of support from everyone right now, because I really really don't want to do anything horrible to myself because deep down inside I know I can get through this and I'm stronger than what I'm showing you and what I'm typing out right now. I will promise you that I will try my hardest and nothing else. I've learned my lessons throughout the past few months on making promises. I usually break them. I'm not a very trustworthy person (yet another negative trait) but I try. God, I can come up with so many negative traits about myself just like that but no positive ones. I am so terrible, I really am. But really this time, goodnight you guys.